Worst. Planet. Ever!

And some EXTREME SHOPPING

MISSION: The Land of Lost Things

LOCATION: Universe #13, The Vanishing Circle

Oh. Hello, darlings. Your girl Carina, here. I don’t want to shock anyone, but you can put that credit card back in your wallet. Don’t get me wrong, vacationeers, we’re still shopping for souvenirs. Well— phfft — of course we are. But this time, everything is — wait for it — Fah-REEEEEE! It’s also slightly used. But don’t be snobby. Vintage tchotchke is always in vogue. And we’ve landed on the mysterious isle of shabby chic, the peculiar peninsula of retro relics, the curious continent of classic keepsakes  —THE LAND OF LOST THINGS! (Cue fanfare)

The first thing you notice is the heavy perfume of lost love and ignored promise hanging in the air. <choke> I’m not crying, you are. <sniff>

Swish! Oh, that? That’s the sound of my head spinning around as I catch sight of the very thing I’ve been looking for all my life. Probably. A bejeweled war hammer from The Third Colonial Conflict! How could someone let this beauty slip through their fingers? MINE NOW! Come to mama, big boy. Ooh, it’s heavy. And it’s still got dried blood on it.

Well, well, well, this is interesting. An Encyclopedia collection. What a waste of paper. I LA-LA-LOVE it.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with all these rotary dial Princess Phones. But they’re making my heart ring-a-ding-ding!

My daughter’s birthday is coming up. I wonder if she’d want an Apatosaurus? It is rather large. Adorable, though.

Let’s see. What do we have here.

• A monkey’s paw backscratcher. Must have.

• “Extinct Civilizations” commemorative shot glasses. Party perfect.

• A lock box filled with dark, suppressed memories. A guilty pleasure?

• Used St. Ruffian issued voodoo dolls. Did that thing move?

• A granite “NOSE”. Could be a paperweight.

• Action figures from the “Prison Planet” collection. The head-lopping Oozle of Planet Queble. Pyro Flojo. The Twnk-L Toe Eater. So many baddies. Line ‘em up.

• A child’s sled. Rosebud? I don’t get it, but . . . I adore it.

• Wormhole trading cards. A wardrobe. A tornado. A toll booth. Etc.

• Graphic novels by someone named . . . Mark Ricketts? Ummmm. Hard pass.

Look, I’m obviously going to be picking through this treasure trove for hours. This place is chockablock. Goody-goody- goodies galore.

RATING:

DESIGN/ILLUSTRATIONS: Shane Patrick White